Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
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