Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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