bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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