LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What drink are we having for lunch?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
