our cab driver is having phone sex.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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