you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
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