Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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