Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
