i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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