Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We need a shit load of segways right now
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
