sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Come share oat with me in your robe
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
