I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
