Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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