Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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