She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
