I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
