I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
