The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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