You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
