I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
