your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
