Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
