My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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