I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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