life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
