whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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