Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
