it's too hot outside to masturbate.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
