two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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