I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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