After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
