All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
