my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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