ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
