I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think people are normalizing furries
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
