im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
okay pat passed out under dana's car
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
