the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
