Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
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