So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
