So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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