Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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