apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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