I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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