Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
