hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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