I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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