She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
