His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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