Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
