I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
