So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You can't special order awesome
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
