I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
